Mildly Offensive Musings

True stories of a real life wife and mother

2 notes

Damn. The elf king sure was nicer when he was a pieman.
Finally watching Desolation of Smaug and this is all I can think.

16 notes

Your mom is on the phone…..

Me: Hello

Mom: I think your phone is here.  Maybe in this bag or something.  Something in here keeps making noises and beeping and going off and ringing.  I told Yeti, Yeti your phone keeps ringing, she says hers is in the car. So it must be yours.

Me: Ok

Mom: Well, wow. I bet your sister has called wanting to know about swimming. and you sure get a lot of calls. It makes a lot of different noises. Do you want Yeti to read you your messages or tell you who called?

Me: No

Mom: well….. Don’t you want to

Me: No, it can wait 45 minutes.

This conversation is so amusing to me. Really it’s kind of sad.  It wasn’t that long ago when I would have had her read me those messages. Or even bring it to me.  I LOVE this change about me.  It says a lot about my anxiety issues too, how much better they are and how much I am in control.  Smile.

Filed under change

10 notes

Thanks girls.  I just have to get some of this frustration out.  I put on the biggest fakest happy face at home, so here I have to have frustration time.  Mostly because I know you guys care, genuinely.  
What’s funny about this is that I can actually see myself coming out of this even more hardcore than before.  Maybe a crazy female deadlifter or something.  I’ve always wanted guns for days.  Madonna’s arms are so hot.  I could be that girl.  
I know I’ll be ok.  You guys are great. Just what I need and I <3 you for it. Everyday.

Thanks girls.  I just have to get some of this frustration out.  I put on the biggest fakest happy face at home, so here I have to have frustration time.  Mostly because I know you guys care, genuinely.  

What’s funny about this is that I can actually see myself coming out of this even more hardcore than before.  Maybe a crazy female deadlifter or something.  I’ve always wanted guns for days.  Madonna’s arms are so hot.  I could be that girl.  

I know I’ll be ok.  You guys are great. Just what I need and I <3 you for it. Everyday.

Filed under justanotherinternetbitch anindependentguinevere

16 notes

Physical Therapy Chat

Grab your chat mat and gather round kids it’s time for physical therapy chat.

Ugh.  Same strength tests all the time.  I get it.  I went from hardcore badass motherfucker to a wuss who can’t open a jar.  Right hand strength is a 5, left hand a 25.  Yeah, there’s a difference.  Legs are worthless.  ”Oh, you can’t feel that when I touch you?” 

"No Lady, I can’t feel a pin prick from my toes all the way to my knees."  Insert Shock and Awe here.

Let me tell you a bit about my life last summer….. then you will have perspective.

I ran at least three times a week.  I participated in 3 5K runs for charity.

I ran a Dirty Girl obstacle mud run.

I rode my bike nightly with the hubby approximately 3 miles.

I hiked through Hocking Hills on vacation.

This was a normal summer for me.  I am active. 

So, back to yesterday…..

I rode the bike (with pedal straps to keep my feet on) for two minutes.  That was about all I could do. At the lowest setting.  Ugh.  Hang my head.

Squats on the total gym.  For two minutes.  I was actually better at this than I thought.  I am not lacking as much in the upper leg strength, I just need to refine it.  That wasn’t so horrible.

Sit down stepper. 3 minutes. 141 steps.  Ugh again.  I’m like a gramma.  What is the a snail race?  And exhausted.  Wiped out.  

Armband pulls- no problem

stretches- suck.  I hung my head and thought of all of those years of Yoga.  Balancing on my hands in November in class.  I have always been the most flexible in class.  It’s all gone.  That was probably the most disheartening moment.

some stupid twisting weight pull. made me feel dumb bc 1 lb was heavy..

Moral here.  I get to feel humiliated 3 times a week.  It’s supposed to make me feel better. Look at the progress.  See a bright future.  I’m sorry, but right now, I see a 3/4 empty glass of whisky, and I’m thinking about just drinking it and sitting at home.

Filed under physical therapy sucks weakling blah blah blah

24 notes

Really Tuesday…. Really?

  • I forgot my phone today. So all my snapchat ladies and anyone who messages me, I am NOT ignoring you.  The Nargles stole my phone. 
  • Pooltime, then groceries this afternoon.  No phone till after that.  I’m ok with it.  Just like others to know so they don’t think I ignore them.  As per usual, I worry more about others more than myself.
  • Pooltime today!  yes!  Finally great weather.  My front tan is doing well, but I look like a coppertone baby in the front, marshmallow in the back.  My ass has to see the sun today.  Babies need bellytime, Am I right.
  • Speaking of babies, I have a newborn session on Friday. I’m really excited.  I have some cute ideas but you know me. Simplicity.  Beauty in the subject.  She is a cute one too.
  • Aaron is out of the office today.  I’ve got two turntables and a microphone….. Where it’s at!
  • Physical Therapy chat will be a separate post.
  • Brakes are grinding on my car. Fuck Yeah! Two thumbs up!
  • I am digging so hard on the newly released Michael Jackson song.  I mean, I’ve been hearing it on itunes radio for 2 or 3 months but it’s new.  I’m really excited that his family needs the money and wants to sell out.  Cause I need his soul.
  • You know that feeling when you find the perfect gift for someone….. squeal!

Filed under Tuesday this is only the beginning of my boredom